Today I am hurting
You know those days when life takes you to the edge?
How deep can you feel? How far can you let go? How big can you get?
These are the questions Life is asking of me today.
There is a spiritual heresy out there that life gets easier if you are awake or ‘aligned’. Ask Jesus how that worked out.
The purpose of Life, it seems, is for the light to shine into darkness. And that sounds way too abstract. What that really means is that I get to find away to become present (my Light) to the pain I feel (the darkness). There is no heavenly dimension where this gets played out. It happens here and now right where you are and I am.
And the darkness? The darkness is the fear and sadness and shame that come in many forms in many ways, elicited by the characters and events in my life’s drama. It is the abandonment I feel from my father or the rejection I feel from my partner or the betrayal I feel from my friend or the fear I feel from those who would oppress me.
And it shows up like that because there is no other way for it to show up and be accessible to the light. Even though it is MY father/partner/friend/enemy the darkness actually isn’t personal. It is just the darkness. It shows up in 3D in the guise of people and events because that’s the only way it can.
Why? Because it seems this is the point of life. To bring light to the darkness. Love is coming into brokenness and bringing it back to life. Darkness is simply the name we give to space that is not yet filled with light.
So, today, I get the chance to bring my presence into fear and sadness. I get to participate in the liberation of the world by showing up and feeling the pain and fear and sadness and shame that runs through me.
Oddly, it is an empowering practice: being willing to feel emotional pain in my body on the level of sensation. I feel it, the light shines, and the darkness goes. Over and over and over.
I used to try and run away from it. That is what we are taught to do. Distract. Avoid. Fix. Figure it out. It doesn’t work. The darkness can only be illuminated by one thing: light. And the light we carry is presence. Running away or turning away can only perpetuate the darkness.
So, today is hard for me. I hurt. I feel sad. I feel scared. And as I turn towards it I feel free.